dark poetry

Sleepless Night…Day One


When I left I never thought it would be the desert

Bleak was life without your presence

I can’t go back to that place

Packed my things, ready to go back all night I contemplate

To face exactly what? Loneliness that no one else seems to fill

A broken heart that  even G-d can’t heal

So I’m here, unsatisfied, weak, and foolish as can be

Heart and mind bitter enemies

The alternative is what? MORE Misery?!

If G-d would just help me to think of you in a negative way

For some reason, I can see only in grays

So rolling over and loving you any less than I do today

Just doesn’t seems to be an unconscionable convey

You Fears, I wish can grab a hold, keep me so snug and safe

My fears is that you will say goodbye keeps me here today

There’s not much more I can do or say

I’ve given it all, love you to a fault

My heart has taken on a brutal assault

But I’m still here; I can’t go back to that desert

Wilderness of misery, I have to divert

No promises that I will not ask for satisfaction still

The pursuit of happiness within doesn’t seems fulfilled

Patience and hope can be my assets only time will tell




Unsatisfied with him but miserable without him

Isn’t love GRAND!!!

Nov 2005-now…


Jim by Billie Holiday


Jim doesn’t ever bring me pretty flowers

Jim never tries to cheer my lonely hours
Don’t know why I’m so crazy for Jim

Jim never tells me I’m his heart’s desire
I never seem to set his love afire
Gone are the years I’ve wasted on him
Sometimes when I get feeling’ low
I say let’s call it quits
Then I hang on and let him go breaking’ my heart in bits

Someday I know that Jim will up and leave me
But even if he does you can believe me
I’ll go on carrying the torch for Jim

I’ll go on loving’ my Jim




To You,

 I had this long letter for you. I had so much to say to you. I was going to tell you all and leave nothing out. I was going to make you feel the passions in my words. I was going to write until I felt secure that I made my point. I had it all plan out, to start from the beginning and not stop until I reached the end. I told myself that I was going to use the right words. I was going to re-read it ten times, so I was sure it made sense. I had it all figured out, my letter will be my heart in ink. I had this long letter for you, just ready to mail off to you. 

I dreamt that when you read it, you would know everything you needed to know. I prayed that when you finally read it, it would make a difference. I hoped when you opened it up, you would sit back and take it all in.  I wanted my letter to mean the world to you. I wished that every word would come to life, holding you captive to its honesty. I wanted to be able to place an adverb exactly at the right spot, so it could emphasis its truth. I wanted to develop a flow that made it easy to read with precision. I wanted to find the right adjective, so you would know its sincerity. I wrote you a long letter.

I finished the letter yesterday. I worked on my letter for a few days. Adding and subtracting from it, as I saw fit. It was perfection. It was my heart. It was my thoughts. It was my emotions. It was me. I finally got it all out. It was right there in front of me. Your letter, ready to be mailed, it needed one last reading. As I reached the P.S., Please let me know what you think. Page by page, I placed it in the shredder. It was a good letter.  


Just Me




Meet me half way

Where paradise exist

But I can’t see you over the horizon

So, I do insist ……


Meet me half way

Where life together originates

Where destiny meets it’s fate

Waiting for a response to what I’ve initiate

So, don’t hesitate….


Meet me half way

I know it’s a big request

But it’s no bigger than what I’ll invest

So you can sit for a second to assess

But ,don’t digress….


Meet me halfway

Don’t make me carry all the weight

G-d didn’t make me to have such a fate

Get up & come close before it’s too late

Just meet me halfway…..


Laid to rest, deck out in my Sunday’s best

I better not spot you in the pews, making a big to do

You hurt me while I was here, don’t you f*&king shed a tear

Be proud no regret what you’ve done and what I’ve become

I’ll be waiting for you in Hell,

                     cause I cussed your presence as my final farewell

                                           Hoping that a million, no billion maggots

                                                        Eat your eyes that cry, you f&*king faggot

Making it’s way to your brain until you collapse and died

               Then consume the flesh that covered the evil that tried to hide

Itself as a person to love

Copyright © 2000

(orginally posted 12/14/07 )


Last night, I had a party

A party for one, to wallow in sorrow, felt like I was coming U n do n e

I had a party, no grooming required, hair a mess and prom dress from ‘91

No longer can I fasten the back and so what if you see my bra straps

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, throwing tantrums and showing no tact

Carnation on my wrist, chiffon ruffles with dyed pay less shoes to match the lilac

I decorated my place just how I felt, everything in pitch black

Black Balloons and Black streamers with huge banner, “What a fool am I!!?

Sit here and live at this party, not out there in a world in which I can’t rely

I only need one martini glass, the olives as my appetizers, the ice my dessert

Main course the dirtier the better, before I eat praying “G-d, help me too so I

could forgive our debtors”

However not today, I’m scared, bitter, miserable, sad, hopeless, and mad

No DJ, so I just let Billie play, looping the blues, drinking my booze

At times, singing loudly on how he loved me and left me feeling soo lousy

Mascara running, lipstick smeared, what a sight to see

But you won’t see me, this party is catered, hosted, the person of honor is me

Let me cry, scream, sing, curse out loud, because tomorrow I’ve vowed to walk proud

Last night, I had a party

Copyright © 2007 


At a young age, I was drawn to her voice

Didn’t seem like I had a choice

A kindred spirit, descendants of grief

All those songs, she sang just for our relief

Voice not quite on pitch, timing not always on beat

But with every word I experience a safe retreat

She helps me cry when I can’t quite feel

She doesn’t judge the way I choose to deal

As a youth, didn’t know the story of Lady Day

Only knew, to gloom ,she fell prey

With age, I discover that her life was full of discord

No wonder our spirits are on one accord

She told me when I love, do it “All the Way”

No longer estrange when I feel lonely on “A Foggy Day”

“Strange Fruit”, a vivid example of what our ancestors’ endured

And we feel the same about love, “Everything I Have is Yours”

Wow, “Good Morning Heartache” and “Stormy Blues”

To know someone else has abuse as their muse

And who wouldn’t want to see “April in Paris”

“Comes Love” might as well live life and be careless

Billie blows me away, from her individuality to her eyes a gazed

Can’t help but want to heed more from this Lady Demure

Hear the voice start to slur from pessimism’s connoisseur

© 2007


(orginally posted 3/6/07)


If I can just gain strength…but I’m so tired…

Yearning for masculine muscular arms in which to retire…

Stopping to rest at the side of the road, looking around for relief…

Since you’ve been gone, my life has been without any peace…

I turned to Him in which you say your strength lies…

Hoping that He too will give me some solace, help this pain subside…

I’m just not like the others, I color outside the lines..

So when I go through something, I have to keep it confined…

So I stay going down this road not sure where it leads…

Hoping that I didn’t turn, in all the confusion but I must proceed…

I get many offers of help, looking deep into eyes that maybe full of deceit…

I haven’t found no man’s eye quite like yours, so back into my shell I retreat…

The only man that never let me down, to find one like you feels despairing…

Sit here and cry won’t change things, so up on my feet for more preparing…

Babies sole stability to spring broad into their adulthood arrival…

I can’t rest to long, so what my heartaches, I have to think of their survival…

I guess I stop as long as I did to let you know I miss you…

Finding strength in you, trying not to let my vision become askew…

Cause somehow dad you handle this all alone, with strength, love and grace…

Just thinking of the smile on your face, I didn’t see any worries, not a trace…

I’m not as strong as you because after 3 years and I still can’t find that place…

I just wish at the end of this long, hard race, if I stay on pace…

One of my rewards is finding comfort in your warm embrace…

Miss you Daddy!!!

Copyright © 2006 P.P. Vol 1

(orginally posted 12/11/06)

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