insanity


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Does it really bother you when I speak of G-d’s grace?

Are you more worthy than I, has He shown you His face?

Maybe you think your more blessed than me

You’re a saint? Well, Isn’t that epiphany of hypocrisy?

So you judge my heart and seen I don’t deserve G-d’s mercy

You tell everyone to look at me, if she’s blessed she’d act accordingly

Well, I don’t judge your loyalty, My savior doesn’t only love me

He loves us all, My savior is not of discernability,

He even loves you and all your absurdity

I am blessed abundantly and no not all my acts are of obscurity

For some strange reason, My savior continues to protect me

Even in my rebellious, stubborn, and even mean impurities

So don’t send me no message on how to be until you act accordingly.

Copyright © 2006 P.P. Vol. 1

Originally posted 12/06 

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Sleepless Night…Day One

 

When I left I never thought it would be the desert

Bleak was life without your presence

I can’t go back to that place

Packed my things, ready to go back all night I contemplate

To face exactly what? Loneliness that no one else seems to fill

A broken heart that  even G-d can’t heal

So I’m here, unsatisfied, weak, and foolish as can be

Heart and mind bitter enemies

The alternative is what? MORE Misery?!

If G-d would just help me to think of you in a negative way

For some reason, I can see only in grays

So rolling over and loving you any less than I do today

Just doesn’t seems to be an unconscionable convey

You Fears, I wish can grab a hold, keep me so snug and safe

My fears is that you will say goodbye keeps me here today

There’s not much more I can do or say

I’ve given it all, love you to a fault

My heart has taken on a brutal assault

But I’m still here; I can’t go back to that desert

Wilderness of misery, I have to divert

No promises that I will not ask for satisfaction still

The pursuit of happiness within doesn’t seems fulfilled

Patience and hope can be my assets only time will tell

 

 

 

Unsatisfied with him but miserable without him

Isn’t love GRAND!!!

Nov 2005-now…

 

Jim by Billie Holiday

 

Jim doesn’t ever bring me pretty flowers

Jim never tries to cheer my lonely hours
Don’t know why I’m so crazy for Jim

Jim never tells me I’m his heart’s desire
I never seem to set his love afire
Gone are the years I’ve wasted on him
Sometimes when I get feeling’ low
I say let’s call it quits
Then I hang on and let him go breaking’ my heart in bits

Someday I know that Jim will up and leave me
But even if he does you can believe me
I’ll go on carrying the torch for Jim

I’ll go on loving’ my Jim

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Laid to rest, deck out in my Sunday’s best

I better not spot you in the pews, making a big to do

You hurt me while I was here, don’t you f*&king shed a tear

Be proud no regret what you’ve done and what I’ve become

I’ll be waiting for you in Hell,

                     cause I cussed your presence as my final farewell

                                           Hoping that a million, no billion maggots

                                                        Eat your eyes that cry, you f&*king faggot

Making it’s way to your brain until you collapse and died

               Then consume the flesh that covered the evil that tried to hide

Itself as a person to love

Copyright © 2000

(orginally posted 12/14/07 )

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Last night, I had a party

A party for one, to wallow in sorrow, felt like I was coming U n do n e

I had a party, no grooming required, hair a mess and prom dress from ‘91

No longer can I fasten the back and so what if you see my bra straps

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, throwing tantrums and showing no tact

Carnation on my wrist, chiffon ruffles with dyed pay less shoes to match the lilac

I decorated my place just how I felt, everything in pitch black

Black Balloons and Black streamers with huge banner, “What a fool am I!!?

Sit here and live at this party, not out there in a world in which I can’t rely

I only need one martini glass, the olives as my appetizers, the ice my dessert

Main course the dirtier the better, before I eat praying “G-d, help me too so I

could forgive our debtors”

However not today, I’m scared, bitter, miserable, sad, hopeless, and mad

No DJ, so I just let Billie play, looping the blues, drinking my booze

At times, singing loudly on how he loved me and left me feeling soo lousy

Mascara running, lipstick smeared, what a sight to see

But you won’t see me, this party is catered, hosted, the person of honor is me

Let me cry, scream, sing, curse out loud, because tomorrow I’ve vowed to walk proud

Last night, I had a party

Copyright © 2007 

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Tired of hoping that one day you will change

Tired of trying to convince you that my love will remain

Tired of feeling confused, hurt, alone and defeated

Tired of feeling like love is about being mistreated

Tired of the storm, the rain, the heartache, the pain

Tired of not being able to resist you, never able to refrain

 Tired of looking into your eyes that holds nothing for me

 Tired of love giving me no guarantees, not one ounce of security

Tired of being patiently waiting for someone that doesn’t even know I exist

Tired of my heart wanting you, never ceasing, constantly persist

Tired of crying, feeling like I’m dying, never satisfied and

Tired of feeling scared that one day I’ll hear you say good bye

Tired of being sick and tired just wish my heart would feel the exhaust

Tired of loving someone that won’t even recognize the great love he has lost

Copyright © 2000

(orginally posted 12/13/07)